It has felt near-impossible for me to write and share about Vera. It would have been nice to accomplish a monthly check-in. It’s manageable to write about a month! I started something at three months but it wasn’t possible to get it done within a baby nap. And yadda yadda – then it was four months, five months, etc and the thought of writing about all that time in the way I hoped felt too daunting.
Maybe I’ll just pick a few memories. What I’ve experienced over and over is how better you feel when other people say “our baby did that too” or something along those lines. The more sharing the better.
Our worst night was in the first week. Vera kept crying and crying so we kept walking and rocking her. She wasn’t settling into sleep. 3 or 4 am approached and we were so tired. DESPERATE tired. I would fall asleep instantly and have to wake back up. Bran took over for me and I felt so bad for him with his head slumped down as he bounced her in his arms. This is funny to me now but I ACTUALLY thought about calling 911. Like – can I go to the ER for this? Thinking back, I think she was hungry or just wanted that comfort. Who knows if she was getting all the food she wanted. Nursing takes some time to figure out.
The first couple weeks were definitely unique. The FEELINGS. I felt extremely attached to her and a bit scared of the outside world. When she was five days old we went for a walk with my parents. I had her wrapped on me and my eyes kept misting up. I think someone was smoking nearby and I thought “How could they!! I have a baby!!”.
Now I wonder: does this happen again? Will I feel as intense and vulnerable the second time?
There’ve been more hard days since, of course. But overall? Joy, warmth, laughter. When I’m with her I think “look how big you are!” but when I look at that same time in pictures she looks so small.
Every morning while I make coffee and breakfast she plays on her blanket. She bangs toys around or marvels at her hands or the patterns on the quilt. I find myself clenching my teeth because I can barely handle the cuteness of it all. When I glance at her and she’s already looking at me and smiling? Wow.
She is so good. So goofy and lovely and unmarked. We are drinking this precious time in.